Four weeks of living in Uganda, we found ourselves still awaiting our verbal ruling for legal guardianship. We were certain it would only be a matter of time, as Igor and I (legally) had a best-case scenario, (more like a dream!) in which we should technically be back home as a family, from start to finish, within 8 weeks. However, after seeing a stall in the legal process we began to realize that our stay would likely have to be extended.
Originally, my husband was planning to remain in Uganda with me for the entire 8-10 weeks but after consulting with other adoptive families in the process we decided it would be best not to exhaust all of our resources, and have Igor go back home and return to Uganda once the children were legally freed to come home with us. These changes in plans were made within one day and he was on a plane two days later.
From the beginning, I was depending on him to help me through this process. He has always been the one I relied on for moral support, the one who is always there for me.
To lose him, even for that short amount of time, was beyond devastating.
Emotionally, I was not prepared for it at all. Although I knew of many women who had gone through this process without their husbands, never did I think I would be one of them. The reality of his physical absence made me completely fall apart; for the next four weeks I would no longer have my husband’s shoulder to lean on, his strength, patience and comfort. I relied on my husband to speak wisdom into my daily life in Uganda; watching him not be phased by anything, react with grace and compassion in scenarios I couldn’t, is what kept me going in the difficult moments. Now I was going to be on my own. I knew that God was with me. I believed it. I just wanted (at some point demanded) that God give me a tangible person to do this with.
The day of his departure, I tried my best to put my bravest face on for him. But even then, I was ridden with panic. I had one day to prepare my heart and mind that he was really leaving me behind. I went through that day in complete numbness. I remember him driving off in the car to the airport and just being overcome with sorrow. The kids were going to start staying with me any day now and he was not going to be there for all the firsts. I knew hardship awaited me. Screaming and crying from my youngest, defiance and anger from my oldest and suddenly, I felt so empty and incapable. I tried not to think about the fact that I would be coming back to an empty room that night.
When I did walk through our door, the floodgates opened up. I could not stop the turmoil of emotions and fears that had swirled around my heart the previous few days. I felt inconsolable. For a few hours, I was.
I grasped at everything I could to stable myself.
I called friends back at home and sobbed into their ears.
I read the Bible, prayed, and cried some more.
Nothing would stop the panic that begun it’s emersion out of me.
It seemed to me, that I would not be able to breathe easily again. Finally, around 2 am, I took out my Bible and started rewriting every promise that states God never leaves us. I wrote them in big bold letters and taped them all over my walls. I needed to believe those words with everything within me.
Something miraculous began to occur as I spent time re-reading with desperation those Bible verses plastered on my walls.I began to truly believe in God’s promises.I began to realize that they weren’t just written for the great prophets and the Israelites.
They were written for me, for such a time as I was facing.
They were God’s words whispered to me in my weakest, darkest most desperate moments. It was in this place that I experienced the strength and power of God’s Word. Whenever I would find myself drowning in my own fears and lack of trust, those promises helped me stay afloat, just long enough to get through the day… and then just long enough to get through the night. It was during those four weeks Igor was gone that I was able to face my worst fear of…being alone.
God revealed to me as never before, just how much He was there for me physically even when I could not see Him. He set me free from my fears. For although I had a friend stay with me the last three weeks, it was Jesus who was picking me up from the bathroom floor that I was escaping to sob in. It was Jesus who kept reminding me that His grace was enough, despite my weakness, despite all my failures.
There was absolute freedom in knowing I am seen, truly seen for who I am, and that He chooses to love me despite this. That the Almighty One would choose to call me to greater things, to love in a greater way, far past my ability or comprehension, in the same way He was doing for me, one day at a time, one broken moment at a time.
